I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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