hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.