Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
27 Unforgettable Hookup Texts
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
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Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?