there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.