there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
