I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
