Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
