When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
im holly from the hills drunk
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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