let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
