It's like God shit irony all over that family
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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