he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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