You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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