Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I want to make a zoo with you.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
