Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
this just has baby written all over it
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
