my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
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