my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I just found puke in my bra..
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
