Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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