happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
