Umm I'm too high to move.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
