plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
