i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
