If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
