so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
