How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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