we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
no you cant smoke seaweed
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
