My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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