What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
