After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
