Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
