He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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