I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
