Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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