So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
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5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
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I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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