Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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