If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
