If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.