Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
