remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
