i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
