Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
