we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
