life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
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I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
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Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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