i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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