I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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