My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
