so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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