my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
