Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize