just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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