I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
