Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
There r osticjed everywhere
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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