I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
