This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
