so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
