Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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