Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
