does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
