I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
