there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
