please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
