I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
